(INT. SHOWROOM. STAFF IS SETTING THE ROOM. JEANIE IS SHOWING RICHARD THE ROPES. RICHARD IS DRESSED MORE CASUALLY, IN WHAT HE BELIEVES IS MORE “URBAN”, BUT REALLY JUST LOOKS SUBURBAN.)
(RICHARD NOTICES MOLLEY THE SERVER HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME AT ONE OF THE TABLES REFILLING THE SALT SHAKERS)
RICHARD
Can I help you with that?
MOLLEY
We’re opening the show room soon and this is totally going to take me, like, forever, to refill these saltshakers!
RICHARD
Maybe if you unscrewed the tops and put the salt in that way instead of trying to put it in through the little holes it would go faster.
MOLLEY
(UNSCREWING THE TOP OF ONE SHAKER, MOLLEY IS ENLIGHTENED)
You are so smart.
RICHARD
It’s why they hired me. Actually, it’s not why, but thank you.
(RICHARD STOPS AND PICKS UP A BRIGHT YELLOW FEATHER FROM UNDER THE TABLE.)
RICHARD
Huh. Yellow feather.
MOLLEY
Gah! It’s Molley. As in “Molley! Feather!”
(MOLLEY SHAKES HER NAMETAG AND WALKS OFF IN A HUFF. RICHARD LOOKS AT THE FEATHER THOUGHTFULLY, THEN POCKETS IT.)
(TOM ENTERS IN A DISTRACTED DAZE AND WALKS PAST RICHARD, STOPS AND BACKS UP.)
TOM
What the hell is this?
RICHARD
I thought you’d want me to dress “blacker”.
I’m sorry, I brought my suit and tie with me,
in case I was wrong. I can go get them.
TOM
No! That’s the opposite of what I mean. You
don’t look black at all! For crying in your soup,your shirt is tucked into your jeans!
(YELLING HER NAME EVEN THOUGH SHE IS STANDING RIGHT THERE)
Jeanie! Jeanie! You’ve got to fix him. Whatever you have to do, make this man a minority. We’re open in… 15 minutes! And my lawyer is on the reservation sheet. Go. Go!
(FADE OUT. FADE BACK IN TO INT. SHOWROOM, THIS TIME RICHARD HAS BEEN DRESSED BY JEANIE, AS WELL AS SHE COULD, TO LOOK “BLACK”. HIS BUTTON UP SHIRT IS OPEN AND JEANIE IS FINISHING UP WRITING “FIGHT THE POWER” ON HIS UNDERSHIRT WITH A MARKER. HE’S WEARING A BALLCAP SIDEWAYS, HE HAS A CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK WITH A SMALL DRINK STRAINER ON THE BOTTOM. HIS PANTS ARE PULLED DOWN AS FAR AS DECENCY ALLOWS AND HIS UNDERWEAR, A PAIR OF WHITE BRIEFS, ARE PULLED OVER HIS T-SHIRT. HE GRIMACES REVEALING A SILVER FOILED FRONT TOOTH.)
TOM
Now’s that’s more like it!
RICHARD
I feel like an idiot.
JEANIE
The far stall in the ladies’ room is out of order. I had to take the chain from the tank for his “bling”.
RICHARD
Iew.
TOM
(POINTING AT RICHARD’S UNDERWEAR)
Wait a second, wait just a second. What’s that?
RICHARD
My underwear?
TOM
Tighty whities? No way. That is not cool. You need boxers.
RICHARD
But I wear briefs. I like to feel… secure.
TOM
But you need boxers. Like these.
(TOM REACHES INTO HIS OWN PANTS AND PULLS OUT THE TOP OF A PAIR OF MUCH “COOLER” BOXERS.)
RICHARD
I am not wearing your underwear.
TOM
You don’t need to wear them; you just need to look like you’re wearing them. Just the top, you know? (YELLING) Jeanie!
(JEANIE IS ALREADY HANDING TOM A PAIR OF SCISSORS. TOM PROCEEDS TO CUT AS MUCH OFF THE TOP OF HIS BOXERS AS HE CAN, AROUND IN A CIRCLE. WHEN HE GETS ALL THE WAY AROUND, HE PULLS THE BAND AND FABRIC OFF OVER HIS HEAD AND HANDS IT TO RICHARD.)
It’s an underwear dickie. For when you like the feel of briefs but still want to look hip.
RICHARD
(PULLING ON THE UNDERWEAR DICKIE AND TUCKING THE CUT ENDS INTO HIS PANTS.)
I cannot believe I need a job this much.
TOM
Come on, people! Doors are about to open!
(TOM CLAPS FIVE TIMES—TWICE SLOWLY, THREE TIMES FAST—LIKE AT AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. ALL THE SERVERS CLAP THE SAME RHYTHM BACK, THEN STAND AT THE READY.)
What do we say?
ALL
Make Tom money.
TOM
I can’t hear you?
ALL
Make Tom money!
TOM
Break it down, girls.
(SERVERS START A RHYTHMIC STOMP/CLAP/STOMP-STOMP/CLAP.)
TOM
I say, “Cha-ching!”
ALL
I say, “Cha-ching!”
TOM
Making money!
ALL
Is our thing!
(EVERYONE CLAPS IN A FINAL RHYTHM.)
ALL
Let’s go!
(SHOWROOM IS SET, LIGHTS DIM, HOUSE MUSIC ON, SERVERS READY. JEANIE AND RICHARD ARE AT THE MATRE’D STAND WHERE SHE IS STILL SHOWING HIM WHAT TO DO. TOM OPENS THE SHOWROOM DOOR AND SHAKES HANDS WITH THE FIRST MAN IN: HIS LAWYER. JEANIE CONTINUES TO SEAT OTHER CUSTOMERS BEHIND THE CONVERSATION.)
TOM
Welcome back! You’re really going to love this show. No lawyer jokes. Ha ha.
LAWYER
(LOOKING AROUND)
I’m not staying for the show; I’m just here to look around. I hope you took my advice about your hiring practices. You could be in for a huge lawsuit if you…
TOM
No problem! Look!
(TOM POINTS TO AN UNCOMFORTABLE-LOOKING RICHARD. WHEN RICHARD SAYS NOTHING, TOM ENCOURAGES HIM SILENTLY TO SAY SOMETHING AND BE “BLACK”.)
RICHARD
Yo.
TOM
This is R-Dog, our new General Manager, now in training. (PROUDLY) He started earlier this week and hasn’t been on time yet!
LAYWER
Pleased to meet you, R-Dog.
RICHARD
Down with the Man.
LAWYER
Good job, Tom. This will satisfy all groups involved, I’m sure. I’ll have some of the people concerned come by later to meet him.
RICHARD
(FED UP)
That’s it. I can’t stand it anymore. Besides, this is messing with my fillings.
(PULLS THE TIN FOIL OFF HIS FRONT TOOTH)
I am not anyone’s show dog.
TOM
R-Dog.
RICHARD
(PUTTING HIS OUTFIT BACK TO RIGHTS)
I will not be paraded around like a trophy just because I’m black. You didn’t have to hire me to fulfill a quota or just to prove you’re not racist. You could have just hired me because I’m qualified. I’m an excellent
manager no matter what the color of my skin. I’m a good worker, and I need a decent job. If you don’t refuse anyone an interview, give any applicant a fair chance and hire whoever you believe to be the most qualified for any position, you can’t be wrong.
LAWYER
He’s not black?
TOM
He just hasn’t been out in the sun in a while.
RICHARD
I am, too, black, and you can talk directly to me!
TOM
Richard is right, and I’m sorry, Richard. I did hire you just to fulfill my quota, but you’ve already been doing a great job. You can dress and behave however you want. I don’t need to impress my lawyer for any
reason.
(SMOKE BEGINS TO COME INTO THE SHOWROOM. JEANIE SNIFFS AND LEAVES IN THE DIRECTION OF THE KITCHEN.)
LAWYER
Yes, you do. You’re going to have a lawsuit on your hands if you don’t prove you’re hiring fairly and show me some minority workers!
(A MUTED EXPOLSION COMES FROM THE DIRECTION OF THE KITCHEN AND SMOKE POOFS OUT AROUND THE DOOR. AS EVERYONE TURNS, THE SERVERS AND OTHER STAFF IN THE KITCHEN COME HURRYING OUT, COVERED HEAD TO FOOT WITH BLACK SOOT.)
LAWYER
(HAPPILY SHAKING TOM’S HAND)
I knew I had nothing to worry about. Good job, Tom. I’ll report your changes and you’ll be all set. Excellent job.
(CALLING OUT TO THE STAFF AND PUMPING ONE FIST TOWARDS THEM.)
Work on, Brothers and Sistahs.
(LAWYER LEAVES EVERYONE IN SHOCK)
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