(INT. KITCHEN. IT IS RUN-DOWN LOOKING AND THOUGH NOT RAT-INFESTED, IT DEFINITELY HAS A LAYER OF GREASE ON EVERYTHING. IT IS AS NEAT AS THE SMALL SPACE ALLOWS AND AS GOOD-LOOKING AS THE GREASY, OLD, WORN-OUT EQUIPMENT ALLOWS. BY THE FRYERS THERE ARE MAGAZINE PICTURES OF SCANTILY CLAD WOMEN TAPED TO THE WALL. BILL IS WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS, “WORK SUCKS.” HE IS UNPACKING BOXES OF DRY GOODS.)
RICHARD
(SLIPS A LITTLE ON THE FLOOR)
Whoa. It’s slippery in here.
BILL
Greasy. You’re walking on what our customers
like to coat their arteries with.
JEANIE
Welcome to the kitchen.
BILL
Welcome to Hell.
JEANIE
Bill this is Richard, our new GM.
(RICHARD AND BILL SHAKE HANDS BUT THEY HAVE A DIFFICULT TIME LETTING GO DUE TO THE STICKINESS OF BILL’S DIRTY HAND.)
Bill was telling us at our last staff meeting that he hopes to get new equipment for the kitchen.
BILL
Cooler, freezers, warmers, fryers, and, especially…
RICHARD
Mops? Soap?
BILL
…a new hood. This one hasn’t passed inspection since 1990, and it hasn’t been cleaned since Pac Man Fever. It is going to go, go soon, and go big.
RICHARD
What’s your annual budget for equipment replacement?
(JEANIE AND BILL NEARLY FAINT FROM LAUGHING.)
JEANIE
There is no budget. Once the soldering gun and duct tape fail, Tom sends his mother out to garage and estate sales. If she can’t find it, we just have to make due.
BILL
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, Tom is cheap.
RICHARD
How cheap is he?
JEANIE
He’s so cheap he has us pull apart the two-ply toilet paper and re-roll them separately to make it last longer.
(BILL DROPS TWO HEAVY SPOONS AND A POT, MAKING A NOISE LIKE A RIM SHOT.)
RICHARD
He’s really that bad?
BILL
He’s so cheap he has us washing out the straws for re-use.
(JEANIE COUGHS TWICE HARD, THEN SNEEZES AIRILY, SOUNDING LIKE ANOTHER RIM SHOT.)
RICHARD
I can’t believe it.
JEANIE
Tom is so cheap, he has the bartenders rinse the lemons from empty glasses to put in new drinks.
(BILL OPENS THE COOLER AND INSIDE IS A MAN SITTING IN FRONT OF A SNARE DRUM AND CYMBAL. THE MAN DOES A RIM SHOT, AND BILL SHUTS THE COOLER.)
There’s a lot around here that needs replacing. Since you’ll never get money from Tom for it, though, you’ll need to be creative. Like that time we really needed new plates.
BILL
(LAUGHING)
That was something! What a mess, but it worked!
(BILL IS MUSING ABOUT THOSE TIMES OUT LOUD TO HIMSELF, MOSTLY. JEANIE CONTINUES TO TALK TO RICHARD.)
JEANIE
Paul, years before he…got ill… well, he had a
connection with a tour group operator, and he
managed to sell a banquet to their next group
from Greece.
BILL
They were really friendly. Especially that
one guy, Adonis, I think his name was.
JEANIE
He scrounged up some rousing Greek music and
played it just as their banquet was ending. They danced and danced around the showroom, smashing plates, of course!
BILL
Yeah, Adonis was back here all night.
JEANIE
Tom almost blew that vein in his forehead.
BILL
In the bar after, I told him I got employee pricing but he insisted on buying me drinks.
JEANIE
You watch for that vein. It’s a reliable indicator of his stress level.
BILL
I don’t remember much after that, but I woke up in my apartment with the distinct taste of olive oil in my mouth.
JEANIE
But you see how being creative can get you places where a rational approach never will.
BILL
That Adonis. Great guy.
RICHARD
I think I’m understanding more and more.
JEANIE
Do you have any questions?
RICHARD
Yes. Why did Tom get into this business at all?
JEANIE
He loves comedy. He was actually a touring comedian himself, but with the cost of insurance, maintenance, gas prices… And he had the mistaken notion a lot of people have, that comedy club owners make money hand over fist. They don’t. It’s true that a lot of money
comes into this place, but an unbelievable amount of money is needed to run it. Most people don’t understand that. A lot of customers are just as cheap as Tom.
RICHARD
How cheap are they?
JEANIE
One customer was so cheap, I caught her in the bathroom rolling our newly separated one ply toilet paper onto an empty toilet paper roll from home.
