Scene One - We Need To Stop Meeting Like This

INT. TOM’S PLACE BAR

(SIX BLONDE FEMALE WAITSTAFF AND BARTENDERS, INCLUDING MOLLEY, SIT AT THE BAR’S TABLES AS DOES THE FLOOR MANAGER JEANIE AND THE DUBIOUS-LOOKING COOK. THE COOK, BILL, IS WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READS, “YOU’RE WRONG”. THEY ARE WAITING.)

MOLLEY

I’m just saying I don’t get it.

JEANIE

It’s part of the Health Code. You just have

to wear stockings with a skirt.

MOLLEY

But it’s hot. And why are stockings part of the Health Code, anyway?

JEANIE

Bare legs, maybe? The bottom of your skirt being open to the world?

BILL

Yeah, you don’t want anything falling out and onto somebody’s plate. Like some guy’s class ring.

(JEANIE GIVES BILL A WITHERING LOOK)

JEANIE

What else did you need to discuss?

MOLLEY

These nametags. Nobody gets my name right

anyway. I mean, it’s Molley with an “e”. I

guess the unusual spelling makes it too hard.

(SERVER TIPS HER NAMETAG UP TO LOOK AT IT. THE TAG IS RIGHT SIDE UP TO HER, BUT, OF COURSE, UPSIDE DOWN TO ANYONE LOOKING AT HER.)

It’s like they can’t read it properly, but it looks fine to me. People keep calling me “Yellow”. I say just get rid of the stupid tags.

JEANIE

Have you ever looked at yourself with your nametag on in the mirror?

MOLLEY

(ROLLING HER EYES)

Yes. But of course the mirror flips the writing so I can’t read it. It’s all upside down and backwards.

BILL

Miss Clairol Number 23 has soaked into your brain.

JEANIE

Do you have anything regarding the kitchen you

want to talk about, Bill?

BILL

The hood.

(ALL STAFF GROANS IN SYMPATHY)

It is going to go, and go soon. It needs to be cleaned for sure and ideally, replaced. I don’t think it’s had maintenance since it went in 15 years ago, and it was used to begin with.

JEANIE

You know he won’t replace it.

BILL

A man who gets all his shower supplies by sneaking into local hotels and stealing them off of maids’ carts? I know. But it doesn’t mean I’m not worried about it bursting into greasy flames.

MOLLEY

I always thought that would happen to you.

BILL

(SARCASTICALLY) Ha ha. You’ll see. It’s on its last legs. Everything in that kitchen is. And it’s going to go all at once because it was bought all at once, used, from the auction of “Master Fat’s Vegetarian Meat Restaurant” in the 80s. The hood, the dish machine, cooler, freezers, hell, even the tray stands and flatware. Thank God Tom’s okay with bribing the Health Inspector.

MOLLEY

Ooo! Can I give him extra and not have to wear stockings?

BILL

I think he’d prefer it if you weren’t wearing stockings when you gave him extra.

TOM (O.S.)

Okay, okay, fine. I’ll do it!

(A HARRIED-LOOKING TOM ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE, LOOKS LIKE HE’LL JUST STORM BY BUT NOTICES HIS STAFF GATHERED. HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT THE BRUNNETTE, HIS FLOOR MANAGER JEANIE. SHE NODS AT THE GROUP GATHERED AND LOOKS AT TOM EXPECTANTLY.)

TOM

(SUDDENLY REMEMBERING)

Oh, Bouncing Betty, yes, the staff meeting. Ah, oh! Good! I’m actually glad you’re here. I was talking to my lawyer who was here last week and it seems he thinks we’re too…

JEANIE

Efficient and accommodating?

BILL

Slow and stupid?

TOM

White.

(STAFF LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES ITS TRUE.)

So what I need to do is get some color in this place. And some more men, I guess, too. It looks like we only hire Hooters rejects. Well, except for you (NODS AT JEANIE). Anybody know any minorities?

OTHER FEMALE SERVER

I know this Asian guy…

TOM

Asians don’t count.

MOLLEY

My sister dated this black guy once to get back at my parents.

JEANIE

Are they still together?

MOLLEY

No. Turns out my parents are tolerant.

TOM

Looks like I’ll have to run an ad in the paper.

(TOM STARTS TO LEAVE)

JEANIE

What about the rest of the meeting?

TOM

Oh, uh. Work harder, and don’t break stuff,

or I’ll fire you.

(TOM LOOKS AT JEANIE, NODS AND LEAVES)

JEANIE

Well, that went better than the last meeting.

(ALL STAFF STANDS AND RUNS RANDOMLY AROUND THE ROOM WAVING THEIR ARMS AND MAKING THE “FLASHBACK” NOISE. JEANIE IS WEARING A SANTA HAT, BILL HAS ON A “GIVE ME PRESENTS” T-SHIRT. THEY REARRANGE THEIR SEATS SLIGHTLY WITH THE ADDITON OF ONE SERVER WHO IS WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS. TOM RE-ENTERS THE SAME WAY HE JUST DID, THOUGH WEARING A HOLIDAY SWEATER.)

TOM

Oh, Holy Hymen, yes, the staff meeting. Ah, oh. Good! I’m actually glad you’re here.

(TOM LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, SEES THE SERVER WITH THE ANTLERS WHO WASN’T THERE BEFORE AND POINTS.)

You’re fired. Anybody else? Good. Work

harder and don’t break stuff or I’ll fire you, too.

(TOM LOOKS AT JEANIE, NODS AND LEAVES. EVERYONE ELSE RUNS RANDOMLY AS BEFORE AND SITS BACK DOWN WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE THE FLASHBACK. JEANIE IS NO LONGER WEARING THE SANTA HAT AND BILL IS BACK IN HIS ORIGINAL T-SHIRT.)

BILL

You’re right, that was better. Hey, what the hell?

(THE SERVER WHO WAS FIRED HAS TAKEN A SEAT, TOO, STILL WEARING THE ANTLERS. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER. SHE SHEEPISHLY STANDS, MAKES THE “FLASHBACK” NOISE, WAVES HER ARMS AND SNEAKS AWAY.)

Scene Two - Over Qualified

(INT. OFFICE. IT’S A HORRID MESS, BUT TOM LOOKS AT HOME BEHIND A BATTERED DESK. TOM IS PLAYING WITH THE THINGS ON HIS DESK. HE’S HANGING RUBBERBANDS AROUND HIS EARS, THEN MANAGES TO FIT HIS HANDS THROUGH THE RUBBERBANDS AND GETS STUCK THAT WAY, HANDS FLAPPING WHILE THE BANDS PULL ON HIS EARS. STUCK AND IN PAIN, HE’S CAUGHT WHEN JEANIE ENTERS. THEY BOTH FREEZE FOR A BEAT BEFORE SHE FREES HIM WITHOUT A WORD.)

TOM

How many interviews have you set up?

JEANIE

One.

TOM

Just one? We’ve had that ad in for weeks!

JEANIE

Looks like (READS FROM PAPER IN HER HAND)

“Black Guy Wanted” doesn’t attract a lot of people.

TOM

When is the interview?

JEANIE

Now. I’ll send him in.

(JEANIE EXITS IMMEDIATELY, TOM MAKES A FUTILE ATTEMPT TO CLEAN UP AND LOOK APPROPRIATE.)

(RICHARD WHITE ENTERS WEARING A NICE BUSINESS SUIT AND CARRYING A SLIM CASE.)

TOM

(NOT LOOKING UP YET.)

You’re…

(LOOKS UP)

…white.

RICHARD

(EXTENDING HAND)

Richard White.

TOM

No, I’m sorry. You’re white.

RICHARD

I think several police and loan officers

would beg to differ.

TOM

There’s a misunderstanding. I need to hire

a black guy so it looks like we’re diverse, and you’re just not… black enough.

RICHARD

You’re very open-minded.

TOM

Thank you.

RICHARD

Do you also hire the mentally handicapped?

TOM

Almost exclusively.

RICHARD

Well, I assure you I am considered black.

I am also qualified.

(RICHARD HANDS TOM HIS RESUME)

TOM

(READING)

You live in the city, that’s good. Oh, University. Community College would have

been better.

(HAVING A SUDDEN IDEA)

What’s your middle name?

RICHARD

Stephen.

TOM

(WAVES DISAPPOINTEDLY)

Listen, R-Dog, can you at least pretend you’re

blacker? You look like you’d be a great general manager, but when my lawyer shows up again he’s going to want to be able to lose you in a dark room, if you know what I mean.

RICHARD

(STONILY)

I think I know.

TOM

If you can do that, you’re hired.

RICHARD

(STANDS STIFFLY, WEIGHING HIS LIMITED OPTIONS. FINALLY LOOSENS UP AND ANSWERS A MORE “URBAN” VOICE TOTALLY UNLIKE HIS OWN.)

Yo, I’m totally all over dat.

(THEY SHAKE HANDS)

TOM

(SHOUTING)

Jeanie!

(JEANIE IS ALREADY STANDING THERE)

Would you please show our new General Manager

around, and set him up on the schedule. And, one more thing, go to the post office and steal me some bigger rubber bands.

(JEANIE AND RICHARD EXIT)

Scene Three - Buck, Buck, Buck

(INT. BAR. RICHARD AND JEANIE SIT AT THE BAR TO ONE SIDE OF THE SET.)

RICHARD

May I ask, what happened to the previous GM?

JEANIE

(TRYING TO EVADE THE QUESTION)

Oh, Paul was sickly.

RICHARD

No, really. What happened?

JEANIE

Well, he couldn’t handle the pressure. It takes a lot to keep this show rolling; the bar, the kitchen, the showroom, comics, staff… Tom.

RICHARD

So he quit?

JEANIE

Paul… flipped out.

(RICHARD IS OBVIOUSLY NOT GOING TO LET IT GO WITHOUT AN EXPLANATION.)

(THE OTHER SIDE OF THE SET WILL BE USED FOR HOW RICHARD IMAGINES THE OLD GM AS JEANIE IS DESCRIBING HIM AND WHAT HAPPENED.)

Paul was…

(A THIN MAN ENTERS, IN HIS LATE 30S, WEARING A BUSINESS CASUAL OUTFIT AND STANDING TALL. HE HAS A FULL HEAD OF HAIR AND LOOKS HEALTHY AND HAPPY.)

..well, he was good to start with. He and I were two of the originals here. He had great ideas and high hopes for this place.

(PAUL STRIKES A CONFIDENT POSE.)

He and Tom were at opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to running the club.

(TOM ENTERS AND STANDS NEXT TO PAUL, ARMS FOLDED, BACK TO BACK.)

Paul was constantly struggling to get more money from Tom to fix things they way he wanted them and to promote the club the way he thought it should be done.

(PAUL TRIES TO PICK TOM’S POCKET. TOM TAZERS HIM. AFTER THE TAZERING, PAUL’S CLOTHES ARE DISHEVELED AND HIS HAIR IS STICKING UP.)

Essentially, Tom tied Paul’s hands, and there was nothing he could do about it. All his dreams for the club died.

(TOM LITERALLY TIES PAUL’S HANDS IN FRONT. PAUL LOOKS OUT OF BREATH AND BEATEN. TOM EXITS.)

Every day, it seemed, Paul looked worse and worse. He lost a lot of hair.

(PAUL REACHES UP, HANDS STILL TIED TOGETHER, AND PULLS OUT SOME HAIR IN FRONT, DISBELIEVING.)

He started taking his frustrations out on the customers.

(A LITTLE OLD LADY WALKS IN AND STANDS, OBLIVIOUS, NEXT TO PAUL. PAUL SUDDENLY WHIPS HIS TIED HANDS AROUND HER NECK FROM BEHIND AND STRANGLES HER TILL SHE FALLS DOWN. PAUL LOOKS CRAZED.)

Eventually, he just went completely nuts.

(PAUL IS CROUCHED ON A TABLE, CHEWING OFF THE ROPE AROUND HIS WRISTS.)

One night, right in the middle of a show, he ripped off his shirt and underneath he was wearing a homemade chicken suit.

(PAUL LOOKS AT JEANIE QUESTIONINGLY, THEN PEEKS DOWN HIS SHIRT. SURPRISED, HE RIPS IT OFF AS DIRECTED AND REALLY IS WEARING A CHICKEN SUIT.)

He had the head hidden behind the matre’d stand. He just whipped it out, slapped it on and ran around pecking customers until we got him subdued.

(PAUL IS NOW IN FULL HOMEMADE CHICKEN GEAR AND IS FLAPPING HIS WINGS AND PECKING. TOM ENTERS AND TASERS HIM AGAIN, FEATHERS FLYING.)

I haven’t seen him since they took him away that night. We hear gossip every now and again, somebody thought they saw a giant chicken driving a Kia down the thruway, one of the kitchen staff found feathers around the dumpster out back, but nothing concrete.

(TWO MEN CARRY PAUL OFF ON A STRETCHER.)

RICHARD

Is that why you didn’t want this job?

JEANIE

Oh, I wanted it. But Tom doesn’t notice me.

RICHARD

It seems like you’re his right hand man.

JEANIE

No, I’m his right hand woman, and he doesn’t put much stock in that. Besides, by being floor manager I still get to serve, and the tips can be really good. When I serve,

I’ll end up making more than you. Speaking of you, why did you want this job, even after you met Tom?

RICHARD

It all began when my previous employer sent me here to help organize their offices in this state.

(THEY BOTH LOOK TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, WHERE PAUL HAD ACTED OUT JEANIE’S STORY. NOTHING HAPPENS FOR A BEAT.)

I guess it’s not really that interesting a story. Anyway, I packed up my house in Pittsburgh, moved here, and when I went to the office for my first day of work, the

doors were locked. Apparently, over the weekend, the CEO and his son had been arrested, all their assets liquidated and the business was no longer. I hadn’t yet

had the cable hooked up, so I didn’t find out like the other employees did, through Channel Four news anchor Rocco Starling. So, now, here I am, with a new mortgage, a car with bad brakes, alimony and child support to pay,

and no job.

JEANIE

Until now.

RICHARD

Until now. It doesn’t sound like it will be easy.

JEANIE

It isn’t, but if you can rise above it all, it can be fun. You meet the most interesting people, and you get to see all sorts of funny comedians. With everything that goes on here you’ll never be bored. Toss in Tom and you’ve got yourself an adventure complete with

a meager paycheck.

RICHARD

I’ve just got to try not to… flip out.

JEANIE

If you find yourself buying yellow rubber gloves and bulk feathers, try meditation.

RICHARD

I’ll keep that in mind.

JEANIE

Let me show you around a little more. We have

three bartenders who rotate. Karaoke Night is

Thursdays after the show lets out. And that’s our House Emcee, Mike.

RICHARD

What is?

JEANIE

Him.

(A MAN STANDS UP FROM BEHIND THE BAR. HE IS MIKE MCKEEN, THE HOUSE EMCEE. HE IS HOLDING A ROCKS GLASS, PARTIALLY FULL, AND HE IS ALREADY A LITTLE DRUNK.)

RICHARD

Nice to meet you?

MIKE

Two fish were in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

(MIKE LAUGHS ALONE. RICHARD REACHES OVER TO SHAKE MIKE’S HAND. MIKE DOESN’T CLASP HIS HAND, JUST HOLDS IT FLAT AND STIFF. HE THINKS THIS IS FUNNY. RICHARD IS A LITTLE CREEPED-OUT. MIKE LAUGHS AND LEAVES FOR THE SHOWROOM.)

RICHARD

I guess I’ll be seeing you in the evening.

MIKE

Not if I see you first!

(AS MIKE IS EXITING TO THE SHOWROOM, HE FAKES WALKING INTO THE DOOR AND MIMES HAVING HURT HIS NOSE, LAUGHS AND LEAVES.)

RICHARD

I see what you mean about the funny comedians.

JEANIE

He’s more like what I meant about the “interesting people”.

(JEANIE AND RICHARD EXIT TO THE SHOWROOM.)