INT. TOM’S PLACE BAR
(SIX BLONDE FEMALE WAITSTAFF AND BARTENDERS, INCLUDING MOLLEY, SIT AT THE BAR’S TABLES AS DOES THE FLOOR MANAGER JEANIE AND THE DUBIOUS-LOOKING COOK. THE COOK, BILL, IS WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READS, “YOU’RE WRONG”. THEY ARE WAITING.)
MOLLEY
I’m just saying I don’t get it.
JEANIE
It’s part of the Health Code. You just have
to wear stockings with a skirt.
MOLLEY
But it’s hot. And why are stockings part of the Health Code, anyway?
JEANIE
Bare legs, maybe? The bottom of your skirt being open to the world?
BILL
Yeah, you don’t want anything falling out and onto somebody’s plate. Like some guy’s class ring.
(JEANIE GIVES BILL A WITHERING LOOK)
JEANIE
What else did you need to discuss?
MOLLEY
These nametags. Nobody gets my name right
anyway. I mean, it’s Molley with an “e”. I
guess the unusual spelling makes it too hard.
(SERVER TIPS HER NAMETAG UP TO LOOK AT IT. THE TAG IS RIGHT SIDE UP TO HER, BUT, OF COURSE, UPSIDE DOWN TO ANYONE LOOKING AT HER.)
It’s like they can’t read it properly, but it looks fine to me. People keep calling me “Yellow”. I say just get rid of the stupid tags.
JEANIE
Have you ever looked at yourself with your nametag on in the mirror?
MOLLEY
(ROLLING HER EYES)
Yes. But of course the mirror flips the writing so I can’t read it. It’s all upside down and backwards.
BILL
Miss Clairol Number 23 has soaked into your brain.
JEANIE
Do you have anything regarding the kitchen you
want to talk about, Bill?
BILL
The hood.
(ALL STAFF GROANS IN SYMPATHY)
It is going to go, and go soon. It needs to be cleaned for sure and ideally, replaced. I don’t think it’s had maintenance since it went in 15 years ago, and it was used to begin with.
JEANIE
You know he won’t replace it.
BILL
A man who gets all his shower supplies by sneaking into local hotels and stealing them off of maids’ carts? I know. But it doesn’t mean I’m not worried about it bursting into greasy flames.
MOLLEY
I always thought that would happen to you.
BILL
(SARCASTICALLY) Ha ha. You’ll see. It’s on its last legs. Everything in that kitchen is. And it’s going to go all at once because it was bought all at once, used, from the auction of “Master Fat’s Vegetarian Meat Restaurant” in the 80s. The hood, the dish machine, cooler, freezers, hell, even the tray stands and flatware. Thank God Tom’s okay with bribing the Health Inspector.
MOLLEY
Ooo! Can I give him extra and not have to wear stockings?
BILL
I think he’d prefer it if you weren’t wearing stockings when you gave him extra.
TOM (O.S.)
Okay, okay, fine. I’ll do it!
(A HARRIED-LOOKING TOM ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE, LOOKS LIKE HE’LL JUST STORM BY BUT NOTICES HIS STAFF GATHERED. HE STOPS AND LOOKS AT THE BRUNNETTE, HIS FLOOR MANAGER JEANIE. SHE NODS AT THE GROUP GATHERED AND LOOKS AT TOM EXPECTANTLY.)
TOM
(SUDDENLY REMEMBERING)
Oh, Bouncing Betty, yes, the staff meeting. Ah, oh! Good! I’m actually glad you’re here. I was talking to my lawyer who was here last week and it seems he thinks we’re too…
JEANIE
Efficient and accommodating?
BILL
Slow and stupid?
TOM
White.
(STAFF LOOKS AROUND AND REALIZES ITS TRUE.)
So what I need to do is get some color in this place. And some more men, I guess, too. It looks like we only hire Hooters rejects. Well, except for you (NODS AT JEANIE). Anybody know any minorities?
OTHER FEMALE SERVER
I know this Asian guy…
TOM
Asians don’t count.
MOLLEY
My sister dated this black guy once to get back at my parents.
JEANIE
Are they still together?
MOLLEY
No. Turns out my parents are tolerant.
TOM
Looks like I’ll have to run an ad in the paper.
(TOM STARTS TO LEAVE)
JEANIE
What about the rest of the meeting?
TOM
Oh, uh. Work harder, and don’t break stuff,
or I’ll fire you.
(TOM LOOKS AT JEANIE, NODS AND LEAVES)
JEANIE
Well, that went better than the last meeting.
(ALL STAFF STANDS AND RUNS RANDOMLY AROUND THE ROOM WAVING THEIR ARMS AND MAKING THE “FLASHBACK” NOISE. JEANIE IS WEARING A SANTA HAT, BILL HAS ON A “GIVE ME PRESENTS” T-SHIRT. THEY REARRANGE THEIR SEATS SLIGHTLY WITH THE ADDITON OF ONE SERVER WHO IS WEARING REINDEER ANTLERS. TOM RE-ENTERS THE SAME WAY HE JUST DID, THOUGH WEARING A HOLIDAY SWEATER.)
TOM
Oh, Holy Hymen, yes, the staff meeting. Ah, oh. Good! I’m actually glad you’re here.
(TOM LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM, SEES THE SERVER WITH THE ANTLERS WHO WASN’T THERE BEFORE AND POINTS.)
You’re fired. Anybody else? Good. Work
harder and don’t break stuff or I’ll fire you, too.
(TOM LOOKS AT JEANIE, NODS AND LEAVES. EVERYONE ELSE RUNS RANDOMLY AS BEFORE AND SITS BACK DOWN WHERE THEY WERE BEFORE THE FLASHBACK. JEANIE IS NO LONGER WEARING THE SANTA HAT AND BILL IS BACK IN HIS ORIGINAL T-SHIRT.)
BILL
You’re right, that was better. Hey, what the hell?
(THE SERVER WHO WAS FIRED HAS TAKEN A SEAT, TOO, STILL WEARING THE ANTLERS. EVERYONE LOOKS AT HER. SHE SHEEPISHLY STANDS, MAKES THE “FLASHBACK” NOISE, WAVES HER ARMS AND SNEAKS AWAY.)
